The Mindset Guide

It is often very difficult when in a crisis not to feel like a victim

Whether it is ill health, death, loss of a job or whatever, it is easy to feel hopeless and without a choice.

But the truth is we always have a lot more power in any given situation than is immediately obvious.

First you get to choose whether or not to feel like a victim.

If you make the choice that you have a modicum of control here you will start to see that you have many more choices here.

Although mindsets can make it easy to think one way, if that is a dis-empowering path then we can stop and choose other thoughts.

Also accepting that our past choices have contributed at least in part to our current situation. We may not have had any control over losing our job but we did play a part in whether we have savings so we have time to find a new job or if we have a tonne of credit card debt that is making the whole situation so much worse.

This is not a time for guilt but for learning and growing, for recognizing that certain choices were less than ideal and deciding to make different decisions in the future.

So what choices do you have ahead of you right now?

What choices are the most empowering and effective?

An interesting mindset that I see regularly in clients and friends is one of keeping special items for “best” - sometimes that is defined occasions such as holidays or guests, other times its for some hazy future happening.

I personally have a dinner service I keep for “best” - holidays, birthdays, dinner parties. It wasn’t particularly expensive service but it is one I like very much. I love having the security of knowing that I will have an attractive and complete set to add a special touch to special occasions. It also means I am less likely to get upset if a plate from the everyday set is broken. So for me, having this set is a positive experience.

One of my clients was given a wedding present of some beautiful, 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets. She has recently celebrated her eleventh wedding anniversary and the sheets were still in the packet. When we explored the issue she wanted to get her bedroom decorated the way she wanted before she used the sheets. The bedroom was a low priority on the home improvement schedule so it didn’t look likely that it would be happening any time soon. We discussed the issue and how it would make her feel to sleep on the wonderful sheets and it quickly became apparent that even if the rest of the bedroom was not how she would like it, using the sheets would make her feel good.

So examine what you are keeping for best and ask yourself why. Often it is learned behavior - a mindset acquired often in childhood and there may be no good reason to continue thinking in such a way. Sometimes it is a self-worth issue - that somehow guests are more deserving that you and your family.  If you are keeping items for “some day” , consider what conditions would have to be in place for the day to happen. What would happen if instead you used the item today?

What do you keep for best?

Behind every action is a thought and behind every thought is a belief.

To make a change we need to attack the problem at one of these three points.

Often the most obvious place to start is the action. If we go on a diet, for example, we are attempting to change the pattern of eating. The hope is that in changing the behavior, this will filter back, changing the thoughts and ultimately changing the belief. The concept of acting “as if” is also along the same lines.

The problem with this approach, as all of us who have started diets, attempted to follow a budget or taken up a new exercise regime is that it is hard to sustain. We tend to sabotage ourselves because what we are trying to do is running counter to a belief we hold about ourselves. Our subconcious tends to hold on to the status quo.

So can we change our thoughts? Just the very act of monitoring our thoughts can bring an awareness that starts to change us. Studies with pessimistic children who monitored and then changed their negative thoughts into positive ones showed a marked improvement and the children started to change into optimists. When we challenge our belief with new thoughts, we can set up a brand new belief system for ourselves.

Most powerful of all is to go straight to the source - what do I believe that is causing me to think, feel and act this way? What concepts have I built around this topic? This can be hard to uncover as most of it tends to be subconcious and is often from long ago. If you have a fear of dogs for example, it may be due to an incident you do not even remember. Monitoring your thoughts can give you clues to the belief system as can examining your emotions. When you think about money for example, what starts to come up for you? Can you identify the contradictions?

As you start to build up a mindmap - a collection of all the thoughts, ideas and beliefs that you have around subject of the change that you want to make, you will be able to start dismantling the old framework and putting in its place a new set of beliefs that will enable the change you wish to make.

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We all have many different selves how we act when we are alone differs from how we act when we are with our family, or around friends or at work.

So what is our real self? The answer, I believe is all of them are authentic just different.

Different situations trigger different mindsets. How often have you gone back home and slipped straight back into behaviors learnt during childhood even though you left home decades earlier?

Stress can accentuate certain facets of our behavior. Some people rise to difficult occasions and are able to reveal parts of them that are not normally apparent. Others revert back to childhood patterns. Extreme conditions can remove the veneer, the mask that we all wear. Yet the mask is just as much a part of us, just as real as the core underneath.

All of our different selves are governed by mindsets. Some of our more primitive reactions such as fight or flight are ingrained deeply within us. Others are learned mindsets such as manners.

Our awareness of our own behavior also differs. Sometimes we are aware of making a huge effort and controlling how we behave. Other times we are more relaxed and allow different mindsets to dictate how we act, but it all in the end comes down to the internal programming that we have in our brains.

One of the most important steps when making a permanent change in a mindset is to line up role models. These are people both in your life and in the public domain who exemplify the mindset you are adopting.

it is also a time to reduce or eradicate those people in your life who hold contrary mindsets. It can be tough saying goodbye to people but it is very hard to make changes if the elements that represent the old way of thinking are still constantly around you.

So spend some time this week making a list of all the role models in your life. If they are famous read up on their profiles and biographies. If they are people you know, take them out to lunch or spend some time chatting with them.

Surrounding yourself with these people signals the brain to accept the new mindset.

Change starts in the mind. Whether you want to change your body, your job, your lifestyle, you need first to adopt a new mindset that supports the change. To do otherwise puts you in conflict with your own brain.

The brain can change. In fact its ability to do is astounding. If the brain is injured, it can rewire itself in order to replace lost functions.

We all have many mindsets that determine how we think, feel and act. Many of these mindsets are set before puberty. Though we may not be aware of it, a single comment made by a third grade teacher could influence a major life decision we make decades later.

Our parents are usually the biggest influencers of our mindset.

Our mindsets affect:

our occupation

how much money we earn

what we eat and how much we weigh

our choices of friends and romantic partner

what television and movies we watch

who we vote for

and every single other area of our life.

Our mindsets help inform the subconcious to form filters to the world so that we only see what our subconcious allows us to see.

We are rarely aware of all our different mindsets.